Thursday, April 18, 2019

Handshake vs Hug

Another indicator of my aging out of popular culture and folkways is my antipathy toward hugging and strong preference for handshakes.

Hugging strikes me as an inappropriate expression of  phony intimacy and it's used for all sorts of occasions when less connection exists than a hug would suggest. Greeting a nephew I haven't seen in a while, a kid I like a lot but am not bosom buddies with, an old and precious friend of my wife, but someone I do not share that intimate connection with, and even my sons, with whom the bond is as deep as any I know, but still, we have always shaken hands from the time they were little kids.

Shaking hands allows you to look the person in the eye and to exchange silent communication of love, pride, relief, congratulations, regret, anticipation, concern, sympathy.

Hugging does none of that. It's a cheap way out of having to actually connect with a person who you might really not know all that well or even want to know that well.

It's often a phony expression of more feeling than you actually feel. It's most often trotted out for cousins, nephews, in laws, friends you never really liked and haven't seen in a while but you are supposed to feel affection for.

In my 20's I dated a girl for much longer than I should have, but I was struck, watching her be introduced to a man, how she shook his hand. Her back was straight and she offered her hand directly and forthrightly and she smiled smartly, but not with any seduction, simple, forthright, she seemed to convey, "I'm not at all intimidated. I'm glad to meet you as you might be an interesting person, but I'm not going to take the next step now. We are simply introduced now."

All that is lost with the gooey, phony, hug.
It's the same bucket as referring to "your father" as "your Dad." Good Lord, spare me. He is your father. She is your mother, not your "Mom" except, perhaps to you. Let you call her "Mom." That is your special privilege. Do not intrude on that space if she is not your own "Mom."

Inappropriate, forced causal is infused in American life today. George W. Bush was relentless in this. One thing, maybe the only thing, you can say for Donald Trump is he wears dark suits and silk ties and he doesn't "Mom" a lot of people, at least not that I've heard.

Formality conveys respect. Calling someone "Mr." does not distance that person. It conveys respect.
Get over it.

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