Planning a Lethal Attack

How did I not see this before?

Today I laid plans for a lethal attack against an unsuspecting population, no individual member having done me any direct or personal harm, and yet I will execute this plot without mercy, ruthlessly, later today.

The targets in question are hornets, and they have built a magnificent nest right at the corner of my garage door, right under my nose, or, more accurately, right above my head, and I have driven under it, passed it twice a day, likely for a week or more without ever noticing it. 

The only reason I noticed it today was I happened to be working in the garage. Then I saw them, zipping in and out of their front and back doors, building, buzzing, paying me no mind, but posing a threat by their very presence, and by the threat they may or may not represent.  For all I know, they turn toward Mecca five times daily and pray, but they have never so much as thrown me a dirty look. They just live here. 

And yet, I plan for their destruction, just because I know some members of their population have stung people and may yet sting me.  

I walked down to the hardware store with my photo of their house of worship--one of the pleasures of small town New Hampshire life is I can walk to the hardware store, and the four people who work there know me. The hardware store guy looked at the photo and suggested one of two types of spray, both of which spray 20 feet, one of which sprays a foam which coats the nest.  
"That bad boy is lethal from 20 feet, rapid fire, high velocity," he said. 
And I do not need a license for it, and can open carry it around town, or even into the state Legislature in Concord. Well, actually I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure the wasp spray manufacturers have a lobby quite as powerful as the NRA.

The cans were only $5 each, which as the hardware store guy noted is chicken feed compared to what my Emergency Room bill is likely to be.

I carried my weapons of mass destruction home and set them up with a ladder and a baseball bat.  Then, I started to assemble my attack outfit. I could not find my ski mask, which my wife has packed away, but I have a hoodie and gloves and safety goggles, and gloves and bicycle clips for my jeans and boots, which will still leave my neck and ears vulnerable. 

But I'm still reasonably confident because I have one big thing going for me: The element of surprise. They'll never know what hit them. 

Unlike people, however, who tend to duck and cover or to run, the hornets will come right for me, and being intelligent insects, they'll know how to find me. So I do not expect to escape unscathed.  I am sad about what I am about to do. It's cruel, and I'm not entirely sure it's necessary.  But I don't see how I can live with the risk, not just for me but for my dog and my neighbors.

arrogant skunk

The last time I turned homicidal was over the skunk.  The skunk came to eat the berries dropped by the tree on our front lawn and when my unsuspecting lab trotted out for his 10 PM pee, the skunk panicked and sprayed him right in the face and the dog yelped and wept and ran around and we could not get that stink out for weeks and the dog was miserable. I went looking for a bow and arrow at Dicks, but I told my neighbor about all this, the neighbor who loves coyotes and other unpopular mammals and she arched an eyebrow and said, "So, you are going to take a life, kill a skunk for doing what skunks do?"  

I tried shining lights, pounding on metal pans, screaming, throwing things at the skunk, but he just looked over his shoulder at me and went on eating the berries, which apparently were irresistible to the skunk, and, as it turned out my dog also liked the berries. 

Squirted dog 

"That skunk is dead meat, " I told my neighbor. 
"So you are going to be a killer," she said.  "Congratulations."

She shamed me into sparing that skunk's life. 

But she's away for the summer, so the hornets have no such advocate.

Something about knowing I'll likely come to harm seems right about all this. These are living creatures, who have never actually done me harm and yet I will destroy them.  The organization of their nest is a marvel. I've looked inside through one of the portals and the interior architecture is gorgeous.  Their bodies are black and yellow striped and they do not fight among themselves but are organized and cooperative. 

Unsuspecting 

If they could, I'm sure they'd negotiate with me to build a wall around their nest, and they would want me to pay for it.


P.S.
The deed is done.  The attack went as planned, spray, gas, toxin @ twilight, with hornets falling dead out of the nest and the nest more or less disintegrating under the foam, and some hornets flying out, but none finding me. After dark, I returned and used my bat to knock it off its moorings.  The next morning I examined the ruins. What they had in there were eggs, and some larvae had begun to hatch. Some were still wriggling the next morning. 
So all they were trying to do was reproduce--lay in eggs in orderly little honeycomb like cubbyholes.   
No malicious intent. They were just completing their life cycles. 
Did they have to die? 
If I had been less fearful, more tolerant, they would have hatched their young, and then what? Maybe they would have flown off and I could have removed the nest without loss of life.
On the other hand, they may have stung me and all the neighbors.