What It Means to be Catholic and Irish American Now

First a disclaimer, the Phantom is neither Irish American,  nor Catholic. 

But that never stopped him from wishing he was.

George Carlin remarked that Irish kids in his neighborhood (Morningside Heights) always wanted to be Black, tried to talk like the Blacks,  just uptown from them in Harlem, called their own territory "White Harlem." 

So maybe there is always the attraction of opposites. 

Harmonium ex oppositis. 

Throughout his school boy days, through college and medical school, his best friends were always Catholic and often Irish Catholic. 

"I used to be Catholic," Carlin said, "Now, I'm American. You know: You grow."

The Phantom devoured "Real Lace," and Grace Kelly was his ideal woman. His friend, Kelleher, told him, "Irish real lace? Let me tell you something: There is no real lace. All Irish are shanty Irish."

Which is why the Phantom was so attracted. 

In college,  he finally acquired his first genuine Irish Catholic girlfriend. Her mother was born in Londonderry, Northern Ireland. Actually, the mother insisted the real name was "Derry," not Londonderry, which is what the Orangemen called the town.

Both mother and daughter had the same cobalt blue eyes and dark, lusterous hair and dimpled smiles and the confidence of knowing what's right.

But the girlfriend frustrated the Phantom on issues of intellect. She was fine with having sex, but not with contraception. Condoms were not tolerated by doctrine. But, the Phantom argued, neither was premarital sex. Well, she could have that, just not the condom part. But, you have to accept the whole package, not pick and choose, the Phantom said. If you are okay with having sex, you are not acting Catholic. So why not make that rebellion at least safe. That's what being Catholic is, the whole package.

Who are you to tell me what Catholic is? I believe the parts I think are right, and those I disagree with, I don't agree with.

Having sex was okay, if you got drunk and didn't really know what you were doing, and acted out of passion, sex was okay, but using condoms meant you were planning on it.

As Carlin said, "It's four sins in one: Wanting to have sex, planning on having sex, taking her to a place to  have sex, having sex."

It did not work out for the Phantom and his Irish American sweetheart. 

She later became a very interesting woman, when she grew up. The priest/child porn thing was just too much. She left the church for good. She is now a "recovering Catholic."

She went on to have Black lovers, divorced, married again, had affairs, traveled the world, put herself through law school, became a judge. 

She had something to rebel against, something to prove.

Now there is Pope Francis, and the Phantom asked her whether or not she considers returning to the Church.

Not a chance, she says. He's still Catholic. He still does not want my daughters to use contraception, condemns abortion under any circumstances, will not allow priests to marry or women to become priests and he still considers homosexuality an abomination and gay love a sin. He's better than some other popes, but he's still Catholic. He's the good cop to someone's bad cop, but he's still a cop. Don't forget whose side he is on. And it's not God's.

For years, the Phantom admitted his patients to Georgetown University Hospital. Georgetown was Jesuit and the Jesuits are so open minded, so intellectual it is possible, even common,  to forget they are Catholic at all. They are charming, entirely seductive.

One day the Phantom sent a patient to Georgetown University Hospital to drop off a semen sample. The patient had been having trouble getting his wife pregnant and we needed to be sure he was making healthy sperm. The director of the lab phoned. 

"Uh, doctor, you sent the patient for a semen sample."

"Yes?"

"Well, the thing is, in order to provide a semen sample, you have to masturbate."

"Yes?"

"Well, masturbation is a sin."

"But we are trying to help him get his wife pregnant, to make more Catholics."

"I'm sorry, doctor."

So, there it is. Ultimately, when you deal with the Church, you run up against that hard wall of authority, of sin and God's will, as seen by someone,  not you. Even if that someone is Pope Francis, he is not you.